(CNN) This month, our only children, twin boys, will leave the nest and go to college. Our 12-pound Maltese Shih Tzu and I will be the only ones living in our family home for the first time in 19 years.
My wife and I will be entering a new, uncertain stage of life, and the music and laughter that had reverberated off the walls will no longer be there. We’ll end up becoming empty nesters.
This is a rather harsh picture of what empty nesting will entail, to be sure, but we hope we’re ready. The pickleball paddles have been ordered, and we’ve been talking about our future goals and checking out the places we never got chance to visit. Nevertheless, the overwhelming finality that has been looming over us for years has been difficult to ignore. The word “empty nesting” seems to be loaded with anxiety and sadness.
Last May, as high school graduation drew near, we experienced an emotional roller coaster as our social media feeds were overflowing with sentimental pictures of kindergarten’s first day and the 12th grade’s last day. We began to become acutely aware of the impending change; my wife even described the last time she purchased a package of brown paper lunch bags, it was like a dagger of anguish in the grocery store.
It seems like yesterday that our boys arrived together, and my CNN International colleagues announced their births live to the world. Ever since, we have been concerned about whether the boys will be prepared for independence. However, I started to question whether the question should be, “Are we ready?” instead. Are we ready to go back to being a couple instead of parents?
I think about an old friend of mine from London who spent roughly twenty-five years raising five kids. She claimed that after the last one departed, she turned to her husband and inquired, “So, how are you?” for the first time in 25 years.
Although the idea of empty nesting, which was supposedly first introduced in 1914 and made famous in the 1970s, is certainly not new to us, we might be the first to discuss it in public.
Michelle Obama, the former first lady, recently talked about how she was using therapy to move on to a new stage of her life after giving birth to her daughters. Gordon Ramsay, a famous chef, acknowledged that he walked into his son’s bedroom and put on his underwear because he was so depressed when he left for college.
Ramsay’s genuine candor also dispels the misconception that mothers are the only ones who get upset when their kids go. Fathers may appear to be handling the adjustment well, but they may be having the most difficulty, according to British author Celia Dodd, who recently updated her 2011 book The Empty Nest: Your Changing Family, Your New Direction.
When her oldest kid moved out, she recounted, “I thought my husband was just being a heartless bastard.” “It’s great, they’ll have a great time,” he said. However, he was actually experiencing the same level of sadness that I was. Because they are supporting their partner and the children, I believe that many men feel that there is no room for them to express their feelings.
The link that is (usually) developed in the womb between mothers and their children is not diminished in any way by an awareness of how fathers may be impacted.
I’ve heard from other parents that I may anticipate a wide range of feelings, but the most acute one will undoubtedly be the weeks following departure when I feel like I’ve lost someone. According to comedian Jim Gaffigan, when empty nesters discuss the teenagers, they always sound like they’re talking about a hurricane: We lost everything, even though my wife and I believed we were ready!
When Madonna discussed her daughter Lourdes leaving, she was less dramatic but still likened it to losing an arm. After accepting that, you frequently have to deal with an identity crisis.
It was very clear to me, as Dodd stated in The Empty Nest, that leaving a child who has dominated your life for twenty-odd years is a huge problem. However, empty nest parents are left to struggle through what is perhaps the most difficult stage of parenthood, while new parents are inundated with advice.
It is the opposite of the profound emotional shift that new parents experience after the birth of their first child, she continued. Returning to life without children while still a parent necessitates a significant reassessment of one’s identity and position in society.
Family life has undergone a revolution since the generation of my parents. According to Dodd, a lot of parents nowadays are closer to their children than they were to their own parents in the past. Some even wish to be friends with them, and they are more active in their lives.
As difficult as it will be to let go, I know that it is imperative that we all change the dynamic in our family relationship. I am incredibly proud of my sons and enthusiastic for their future. We don’t plan to check in with them every day to see how they’re doing, but they know that we’re always available if they need us.
The rising divorce rate among empty nesters is arguably the biggest worry. Some of my buddies went over the list of our peers who had recently been split up when we were on a recent vacation back to London. Although it was anecdotal, the small number of occurrences appeared to be concerning.
When it’s just the two of them at home, why may even seemingly stable couples encounter issues? Dodd stated, “It’s difficult to picture what life will be like when you’re alone, and it’s normal to wonder what on earth you’ll find to talk about.”
As one mother puts it: You realize you haven’t given each other much attention for years when you’re suddenly alone and gaze at one other.
The greatest parental dream is to watch our children flourish and become self-sufficient. On the other hand, our sons have repeatedly asked if we will be alright once they leave, suggesting that they understand the vacuum their departure will leave. I can tell they’ll be alright on their own because of their emotional maturity.
After years of contemplating this upcoming change, I no longer fear it; rather, I’m growing to welcome it. Preparation and planning are crucial, as is the attitude that we should discover a purpose rather than just fill a gap.
My wife is eager to focus on her painting work full-time, and we have already resumed intentional date nights. I’m one step closer to owning the beehives I’ve been dreaming about because the yard and garden serve as my creative place. At last, the plants will receive all of my attention and care. We have purchased tickets to gigs and ghost tours in the upcoming months, as well as a gig in Canada that looks like it would be pretty rock ‘n’ roll.
Even while it may not be entirely true, I prefer to believe the frequently cited translation that the Chinese symbol for crisis represents both opportunity and risk at this point in my life.
Not only are our kids becoming more independent, but we will also rediscover it.
